by Lisa Skrdlant | Mar 15, 2023 | Custody & Parental Access, Divorce |
Congratulations on finalizing your divorce. You are on your way to creating a new happily ever after for you and your child(ren). If part of your new journey includes the desire to move out of state with your child, slow down, breathe, and take a pause before you sign that lease and pack your house. It’s not as simple as informing the child’s other parent that you are moving, an action that will land you in some serious legal waters. Instead, take these responsible steps to ensure your move is one that benefits your child and their future happiness.
Moving in a Mutually Agreed-Upon Situation
There are many reasons why a custodial parent may request permission from the child’s other parent to move out of state with their child. The non-custodial parent may agree to the move, but there are several factors to consider, with the foremost priority being what’s in the best interest of the child or children.
If you have a custody arrangement in place, you will need to get permission from the other parent or obtain a modification of the custody decree before you can move out of state. Even if the child’s non-custodial parent agrees to the move, you cannot simply pick up and go. Why? Because a move out of state changes the wording of your order of custody decree and needs to be amended and filed with the court. Even when both of the child’s parents agree, the move will change the nature of the original custody arrangement and must therefore be legally modified.
If you do not have a custody arrangement in place, you may need to establish one before you can legally move out of state with your child. It’s important to consult with a family law attorney who understands the state laws and terms of your custody arrangement, legal or verbal.
When the Move is Contested
In a contested hearing, the judge will determine if the reason for the request to move is a reasonable one. A custodial parent may ask to move out of state for any number of reasons such as a new job, a promotion, to be closer to family, or even a new relationship. A judge will decide if the reason is justified to approve the move.
If the move is based only on personal desire, out of spite for the other parent, or is determined not to be in the best interest of the child, the court can deny the request to move. Make sure you have a sound reason and are prepared to present your case.
Impact on Your Child
Your child must always come first when making decisions that affect both your futures. And a judge will ensure any decisions made are in the best of the child. Moving out of state may be deemed to negatively impact the child’s relationship with the other parent, current schooling agreement, healthcare, or the health of the child.
Weigh the pros and cons moving out of state will have on your child and consider the potential consequences before deciding.
When two parents, now former spouses, can come together to make an amicable decision that is in the best interest of all family members and especially the child, a change in location can be exactly what is needed for all family members to bloom and grow. So don’t approach this with pessimism. Approach it optimistically and legally.
If you or someone you know is considering moving out of state with a child, I invite you to contact me or one of the other qualified attorneys at The Law Firm of Poppe & Associates to schedule a consultation : (212) 792-9501.
Let Me Be Your Brave –
Mia Poppe, Esq.
Managing Partner
by Mia Poppe | Jan 28, 2023 | Custody & Parental Access, Family Law |
Is your child’s other parent using negative manipulation to turn your child’s relationship with you against you? This type of behavior common during the pendency of a divorce action or in post-divorce situations is what is known as parental alienation. One of the most difficult theories to prove in a child custody proceeding, this two-part series shares the tactical and legal steps you can take if you are the target of parental alienation.
What is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation is an event in which one parent actively weakens the relationship between the other parent and their child or children. At one end of the spectrum, is the parent who is the custodial or the primary parental figure in the child’s life. On the other end, is the parent who is not the primary figure, but is rather the seemingly powerful figure, who possibly holds all the money but definitely has the ability to invoke fear in the child.
One of the problems with parental alienation is you can only say it happened when the outcome is already there, such as your child rejecting your phone calls or refusing to visit. Typical manipulation of the alienating parent includes:
- Bad-mouthing the other parent to the child.
- Bad-mouthing the other parent to the community or other third parties.
- Constantly telling the child how the divorce is hurting them, causing the child to feel judgmental or parental toward the alienated parent.
These purposeful and calculated attempts to estrange the child from the other parent are a form of emotional abuse of the child and may constitute parental alienation.
But know this, parental alienation is very hard to prove. It requires significant documentation, third-party evaluations, and showing the course of action that created the alienation. It is not in the best interest of any child to uproot them from the home they are settled in, so what can you do?
How to Counteract Parental Alienation
If you believe you are the subject of parental alienation, there are tactical steps you can take to mitigate the alienation. It is worth repeating that parental alienation is difficult to prove in our overburdened family and divorce courts. Prior to considering legal action, you must take every effort to counteract the alienation outside the courtroom.
Detachment: as counterintuitive as it sounds, parental alienation is mitigated when you detach from the emotional attack that’s being launched against you and your child. Some therapists call the withholding “narcissistic supply”. Narcissistic supply generally refers to the energy that certain manipulative people need to continue on with their course of the manipulation. They must achieve a payoff to succeed at their manipulation.
Validate and accept your child’s feelings: validate that the fear and confusion they feel are both real. After you validate their feelings, disarm their fear by reassuring your child absolutely everything will be okay. Give your child words of encouragement and voice your acceptance of your child’s feelings. Ignoring their feelings will only push them closer to the alienating parent.
Team up: work with a therapist and surround yourself with friends and family who strongly support you. And if a divorce is necessary, find a divorce attorney who is qualified to handle child custody and parental alienation.
Other Steps to Mitigate Parental Alienation
If, and only if, you have exhausted every effort, taken every avenue, and tried every tactic to mitigate parental alienation without success, it may be time to consider legal assistance. You must understand that the court will require concrete evidence of parental alienation before making any order.
In part two of the parental alienation series, we discuss the various legal steps that may be taken by the court depending on the situation. Ultimately, the court will always consider the best interests of the child as the main priority before making any decision.
Let Me Be Your BraveIf you or someone you know is going through parental alienation, I encourage you to act now. As an experienced attorney in divorce litigation and child custody, contact The Law Firm of Poppe & Associates to schedule an appointment today.
Let Me Be Your Brave!
Mia Poppe, Esq.
Managing Partner
Law Firm of Poppe & Associates, PLLC.
by Mia Poppe | Nov 16, 2022 | Custody & Parental Access, Divorce, Family Law |
Navigating the complexities of divorce is a challenge even in amicable breakups. The holidays can compound stress and anxiety especially when children are involved. Create a season of joy with the intention to break away from the drama of divorce for the sake of your children and your own mental wellness.
Take Control of Your Actions
The holidays are not a time for fighting. Call your own internal truce and refuse to engage in any negativity with your ex. Abolish tit-for-tat. If your ex is not willing to take these steps, you can still choose to keep the peace. Simply do not go there.
Simply Smile at Aggressive Texts and Emails – You cannot control the behavior of your ex, but you can control how you respond. Stop. Breathe. Smile knowing that you are in control of yourself and that you have set your boundary and will not be enmeshed in nasty communications.
Radically Take Care of Yourself – Take on only what you believe you are able to manage and no more. Be prepared to say ‘no’ to invitations that exceed your bandwidth. Choose wisely for yourself to travel or to host. Implement and stick to self-care habits including a good night’s sleep, eating well, and exercise. Fortify your mind with walks, books, and quiet time. My two favorite books are the Bible and The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy.
Give Yourself a Gift – This season don’t forget that really important person in your life – YOU! Head to the salon for a new hairstyle, manicure, or pedicure. Take the day off to have lunch with a friend. On a budget? Snuggle up with a book and a cup of hot chocolate, or meet your friend in the park with a brown bag lunch. Do something special for yourself!
Don’t Do it Alone – The holidays are not a time for self-isolation. Avoid falling into that emotional black hole by surrounding yourself with a strong network be it family, friends, school, or church. Lean into a licensed counselor if you are having trouble coping, and do the same for your child.
Create Lasting Holiday Memories
Divorce is hard on children as they grapple with emotions of ‘why’. Focus on relevant celebrations that bring you and your children together.
Decorate the House – Pull out your favorite decorations and throw a festive party with your child. Create new traditions such as baking cookies, threading popcorn garland, or making gingerbread houses. Play holiday music and dance around the house. Ask your child for ideas and include them as part of the planning.
Be Flexible – Your child may want to spend time with the other parent and flexibility is key. Depending on your divorce agreement, you may trade off holidays or share each holiday. Encourage your child every step of the way and forgo any guilt trips. If you do not spend the actual holiday with them, schedule a ‘special celebration’ before or after.
Manage Your Emotions – Don’t give place to negative thoughts and negative self-talk. On purpose, think about good things. Think about the gratitude you have for your children. Think about the gratitude you have for your family and your friends that have become your family. If you need to cry and if you need to feel sorry for yourself, give yourself a time limit. For example, give yourself two weeks to grieve the loss of what was and then mentally move on. Understand it is okay to give yourself time to be hurt, to be angry, and to be disappointed. The emphasis is on time, setting a time and date.
Consider the Whys – Thoughtfully consider why you would badmouth your ex-spouse to your children, and their other parent. Ask yourself why you would engage in the Spanish Inquisition when your children return from your ex or soon-to-be ex-spouse. There is no good reason for interrogating your children after their visit with the other parent. Thoughtfully consider why you would send menacing emails or texts complaining about why the children were tired in the morning because your ex didn’t put them to bed on time. There is no good reason for launching criticism of your ex via email and text.
Keep it Simple – Guilt is the quickest way to get caught up in the more-is-more frenzy. Spouses may compete to see who can buy more gifts or more expensive gifts. Don’t let the materialism of the holidays cause you to forget what the season is about. Set reasonable expectations for gift-giving and focus on quality time with your child.
Children become adults and what stays with them are memories, not things. Use this holiday season to create new memories that carry you and your children forward. Divorce during the holidays does not have to mean that every holiday thereafter will be a time of sorry. You alone have the power to make the choice for how you will approach the holidays.
This season, we are here to support you through your divorce. If you are someone you know is going through a divorce, contact us today.
Let Me Be Your Brave!
Mia Poppe, Esq.
Managing Partner
Law Firm of Poppe & Associates, PLLC.
by Mia Poppe | Oct 25, 2022 | Divorce, Family Law |
You’re married to a narcissist and ready to break free. First, congratulations on empowering yourself to take this next, crucial step toward your new life. Second, it is critical that you take time to find the right attorney to represent you. Divorce is painful but divorcing an abusive spouse can be downright scary. The abuser will come at you and come at you. Make sure you have the proper support in your corner.
The Silence of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is often silent to the outside world, but for those living in a narcissistic relationship, it is an everyday abuse that destroys self-esteem, confidence, and personal identity. Every week in our office during conference calls with incredibly smart, beautiful, and successful clients just like you, they share their stories:
“No one understands me.” “I’m terrified every day.” “I’m being gaslighted.”
“I’m financially and emotionally drained.” “I feel isolated.” “What about my children?”
These are women (and men) who to the outside world appear to be confident, successful, and strong individuals; active in the community and surrounded by friends. But internally these individuals have been torn down, degraded, and left not knowing what to do. They are highly intelligent and capable individuals who do not know how to untangle themselves from their never-ending entanglement with their narcissistic spouse.
Finding A Divorce Attorney
The bridge over these very troubling waters lies in your selection of the right divorce attorney for you. How do you do that? How do you make sure that you are hiring or retaining a divorce attorney who will best represent you? Here are three must-take steps:
1. Interview Several Attorneys
Do not hire your attorney simply because your neighbor or best friend used them as their attorney. Every relationship is different just as every divorce is different. Their needs with their attorney are not the same as yours. Interview multiple attorneys to gain an understanding of their expertise, knowledge about your type of situation, practice style, and even personality.
2. Ask for Referrals
This is your life! This is your child’s life. When interviewing an attorney don’t be shy and ask for referrals from other former clients. Tell them you’d like the name of one or two clients that would be willing to speak to you about their experiences with the law firm. A well-regarded attorney will not hesitate to provide referrals.
3. Trust Your Gut
No one knows how to take care of you like you. Trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right during the interview with a potential attorney, trust your gut and walk away.
Moving Forward
Narcissists carry an air of superiority, even believing they are above the law. Facing divorce can cause a significant shift in the narcissistic personality as they fight to maintain control of their spouse and their fake reputation.
If you are in a situation where you’re trying to find your way to a divorce with a narcissist, know this – you are not alone. Our team brings significant legal acumen and personal experience in matters of narcissistic abuse and divorce. We are here to help.
Interview us to learn more about our team, culture, and process. Contact us today to schedule an appointment.
Let Me Be Your Brave!
Mia Poppe, Esq.
Managing Partner
Law Firm of Poppe & Associates, PLLC.
by Mia Poppe | Oct 21, 2022 | Divorce, Mia Poppe |
Divorce is hard enough as it is, but when the divorce occurs after a lengthy marriage filled with children, grandchildren, and loads of wonderful memories, it can be especially painful. This type of divorce characterized by lengthy marriage is frequently called a gray divorce and there are unique financial considerations that you must understand if you are going through a gray divorce.
What is a Gray Divorce?
Whenever one or both parties to a divorce are mature-aged, it is considered a gray divorce. Gray divorces are more common than you may think. It’s not surprising that after the kids graduate from school, or get married and move forward with their own lives, parents will make the quality but painful decision to divorce.
A study conducted by Bowling Green University found that over the last 20 years, the divorce rate among mature-aged persons has more than doubled. And that brings us to the second question, “What is a mature aged person?” Baby Boomers between 58 and 80 are considered the largest group of mature-aged adults. And yes, Gen Xers between 42 and 57 are also considered mature-aged. And there are financial implications.
Impacts of a Gray Divorce
What you already know is that New York is one of the most expensive places to live in the United States. What you may not know is that New York has the third longest life expectancy. An August 2020 article in USA Today stated that it takes $1.4 million dollars to live comfortably for 20 years. This seven-figure amount can seem even more daunting among mature-aged couples concerned about their limited earning time horizon as well as the impact on their nest egg. But that doesn’t mean you should stay in a marriage that is over. It means you need to be prepared.
Protecting Your Finances
It’s impossible to completely protect all of your finances during any divorce including a gray divorce. However, you need to have a strategy to either mitigate the financial impact or a plan to recoup your nest egg after a gray divorce. Recouping is the appropriate term here because it is a fact that your nest egg will be impacted by your divorce and the divorce process. The potential loss of dual income sources may be significant, but there are tips to help you rebuild:
- Cut Costs – It may be time to establish a budget. Cut out the luxury items, and reduce expenses where you can, to increase savings potential. It may be time to downsize out of your large family home or reconsider that new car purchase. Be smart with your money.
- Hire a Financial Advisor – A Certified Financial Planner or financial advisor can guide you in making sound investment decisions, and can also help you plan for expenses and future unknowns. Their expertise is earning money with what you have available, so lean into their insights.
- Get a Job – Don’t be afraid to get back into the workforce and certainly don’t be afraid to start your own business. It may be time to retool yourself to enter into a job or profession. Choose an outlet that gives you passion. I, the author, went to law school at age 42. I’m confident that you can retool if that’s what you choose to do.
Hiring A Qualified Attorney
The unique financial considerations of gray divorce are significant and can impact your retirement years. Protect yourself by interviewing divorce attorneys who understand the landscape of a gray divorce and who know how to navigate the related financial nuances.
Move forward into this new happily-ever-after stage of your life. Contact us today to discuss your gray divorce or matrimonial concerns.
Let Me Be Your Brave!
Mia Poppe, Esq.
Managing Partner
Law Firm of Poppe & Associates, PLLC.
