by Mia Poppe | Mar 31, 2023 | Alimony, Divorce, Family Law |
In 2011, love won for all with the landmark Marriage Equality Act, granting same-sex couples the legal right to marry in the State of New York. Obama signed it into law in all 50 states four years later. And while we hope that everyone lives happily ever after, that isn’t reality. As with heterosexual couples, some unions end up in divorce. If you are in a same-sex marriage and considering divorce, what do you need to know?
THE LAWS FOR SAME-SEX DIVORCE
The laws for same-sex divorce, also known as LGBTQ+ divorce, are generally the same as those for heterosexual divorce. In most jurisdictions, the legal process and requirements for same-sex divorce are identical to those for opposite-sex divorce.
However, there may be some differences in how certain issues related to divorce are handled depending on the specific laws and regulations that apply in your jurisdiction. For example, in some places, the laws related to spousal support, property division, and child custody may be interpreted differently in cases involving same-sex couples. Here are three distinctions.
TRI-CUSTODY ISSUES
Tri-Custody is a legal dispute in which three adult parents are seeking equal custody and access to a child. Tri-custody occurs when the child is being raised in a non-traditional family structure. An example may be that within the married couple’s home, one parent may be the biological parent of the child, the other parent may not be the biological parent of the child, and a third party who oftentimes is a close friend or relative of both parties, is the other biological parent.
In a tri-custody dispute, all three individuals may have an equal claim to the child, and each may seek legal recognition as a parent with the rights and responsibilities that come with that status. This can include the right to make decisions about the child’s upbringing, the right to spend time with the child, and the obligation to provide financial support for the child.
Tri-custody disputes can be complex and emotionally charged, and they often require careful consideration by the courts to determine the best interests of the child. In some cases, the court may award joint custody to all three parties, while in other cases, the court may award primary custody to one parent and grant visitation rights to the other two.
It’s important to note that the legal landscape around tri-custody disputes is still evolving, and laws related to this issue can vary widely depending on the jurisdiction. Therefore, it’s important to consult with a qualified family law attorney knowledgeable about the specific laws and regulations that apply in your area.
SOCIAL DNA
Another area of distinction is social DNA. Social or personal DNA is not a law, but rather the perceived image a same-sex couple may fear in getting a divorce. In most states in this country, same-sex marriages have not been legal for very long. In the State of New York, same-sex marriages have been legal since 2011. And so, amongst the population, same-sex couples are not used to splitting their stuff. That may bring a distinction in the challenges the divorcing couple may face.
COMMUNITY BURDEN
And finally, the third distinction is the community burden to avoid stigma. A lot of same-sex couples struggle with getting a divorce for community reasons. They do not want to bring in the stigma that same-sex marriages aren’t as successful as heterosexual marriages.
The New York Times senior opinion writer Jyoti Thottam shared “Gay divorce, it turns out, is as painful as the straight kind, and a lot more complicated.” We believe that divorce for same-sex and heterosexual couples can be amicable if the divorcing parties choose to take that path. Surround yourself with a network of support, seek a qualified therapist to guide you through emotional challenges, and hire an attorney well-versed in same-sex divorce.
At The Law Firm of Poppe & Associates, our focus is relentless advocacy for our clients. If you or someone you know is considering divorce, reach out to schedule a consultation: (212) 792-9501.
Mia Poppe, Esq.
Managing Partner
by Mia Poppe | Mar 15, 2023 | Custody & Parental Access, Divorce |
Congratulations on finalizing your divorce. You are on your way to creating a new happily ever after for you and your child(ren). If part of your new journey includes the desire to move out of state with your child, slow down, breathe, and take a pause before you sign that lease and pack your house. It’s not as simple as informing the child’s other parent that you are moving, an action that will land you in some serious legal waters. Instead, take these responsible steps to ensure your move is one that benefits your child and their future happiness.
Moving in a Mutually Agreed-Upon Situation
There are many reasons why a custodial parent may request permission from the child’s other parent to move out of state with their child. The non-custodial parent may agree to the move, but there are several factors to consider, with the foremost priority being what’s in the best interest of the child or children.
If you have a custody arrangement in place, you will need to get permission from the other parent or obtain a modification of the custody decree before you can move out of state. Even if the child’s non-custodial parent agrees to the move, you cannot simply pick up and go. Why? Because a move out of state changes the wording of your order of custody decree and needs to be amended and filed with the court. Even when both of the child’s parents agree, the move will change the nature of the original custody arrangement and must therefore be legally modified.
If you do not have a custody arrangement in place, you may need to establish one before you can legally move out of state with your child. It’s important to consult with a family law attorney who understands the state laws and terms of your custody arrangement, legal or verbal.
When the Move is Contested
In a contested hearing, the judge will determine if the reason for the request to move is a reasonable one. A custodial parent may ask to move out of state for any number of reasons such as a new job, a promotion, to be closer to family, or even a new relationship. A judge will decide if the reason is justified to approve the move.
If the move is based only on personal desire, out of spite for the other parent, or is determined not to be in the best interest of the child, the court can deny the request to move. Make sure you have a sound reason and are prepared to present your case.
Impact on Your Child
Your child must always come first when making decisions that affect both your futures. And a judge will ensure any decisions made are in the best of the child. Moving out of state may be deemed to negatively impact the child’s relationship with the other parent, current schooling agreement, healthcare, or the health of the child.
Weigh the pros and cons moving out of state will have on your child and consider the potential consequences before deciding.
When two parents, now former spouses, can come together to make an amicable decision that is in the best interest of all family members and especially the child, a change in location can be exactly what is needed for all family members to bloom and grow. So don’t approach this with pessimism. Approach it optimistically and legally.
If you or someone you know is considering moving out of state with a child, I invite you to contact me or one of the other qualified attorneys at The Law Firm of Poppe & Associates to schedule a consultation : (212) 792-9501.
Let Me Be Your Brave –
Mia Poppe, Esq.
Managing Partner
by Mia Poppe | Feb 23, 2023 | Divorce |
Divorce can be an emotional, complex, trying time, where every well-meaning friend, family member, or stranger will weigh in with advice and best practices. So how do you decipher good information from bad?
Every day, my clients lean on me for guidance to achieve their matrimonial goals. During this time, I have cultivated ten key pieces of advice that have served me and my clients well as we traverse the world of divorce together.
- Disengage – There are a million reasons to fight with your soon-to-be ex-spouse, i.e. betrayal, lies, infidelity, broken hearts, and broken promises. Drop your weapons, disengage, and move on with your new life.
- Educate Yourself – The most important thing you can do, from the moment you think of divorce to the instant you have the Judgment of Divorce in hand, is to educate yourself so that your expectations are realistic. Any time you have a question about the process, speak to your lawyer. Having your attorney, financial planner, and therapist on speed dial is great, but no one will ever care more about your divorce than you will, so educate yourself on the process.
- Make Your Kids The Priority – The motto in my firm and in my life is “kids over ego.” Divorces are often an angry, upsetting, stressful time. Your children are not the source of these feelings, and it is your job to ensure that your children thrive, even if you are hurting right now.
- List Your Top 3-4 Desired Outcomes – Without a plan and key goals, you will be swept along the turbulent ride of your divorce instead of charting your own course. It is up to you what the outcome and particulars of your divorce will be, and you must take charge of this process.
- Get Your Financials ASAP – The best time to find, organize, and make copies of your financials will be at the beginning of your divorce, or earlier when you can still speak with your spouse. The more contentious a divorce becomes, the tougher it can be to retrieve all the documents you will need during the process.
- Hire Top-Notch Legal advice – Do the research and interview several attorneys. Ask for references. Do not hire an attorney just because your friend did or because they are low-cost. Hire an attorney that you trust to be your confidant, who brings experience and a record of success. And hire an attorney who will fight for you as hard as if it were her own divorce.
- Emotional Arguments Have No Place in Court – No matter how hurt, angry, or crushed your spouse has made you feel, the judge will not care about any of it unless it is legally relevant – and it usually is not. Keep emotions out of the courtroom and focus on the facts.
- Your Ex Will Be Your Children’s Parent Forever – Though you and your spouse will go your separate ways after the divorce, your ex will remain your child’s parent. There will be graduations, weddings, and even illnesses that bring you both together. The more amicable you keep your divorce now, the easier life events will be moving forward.
- Do not trash-talk your spouse in front of your children – Your spouse is your child’s parent, their blood. No matter how tempted you are to get your kids on your side by making your spouse out to be the bad guy, don’t do it. By putting down their other parent, you are putting down your children.
- Your new life awaits – One of my favorite maxims is that iron sharpens iron. It takes the hardest, toughest, most painful experiences in your life to enable the best learning and growing. Though the divorce process is hell at times, you will emerge better, stronger, and happier. You can take it from me, I’ve personally experienced “divorce hell,” and emerged better than ever.
If you or someone you know is considering or going through a divorce, I encourage you to reach out. Take the first step toward your ‘real’ happily ever after.
Let Me Be Your Brave –
Mia Poppe, Esq.
Managing Partner
by Mia Poppe | Feb 15, 2023 | Divorce, Mediation |
Divorce mediation is an alternative process to divorce litigation and is an important option to consider when a couple decides to divorce. Mediation is not for everyone. It is important to understand, many divorcing couples are not “good fits” for the mediation process. But, Mediation can save time, and money and alleviate some of the emotional and physical tolls of the divorce for you, your spouse, and your children.
Your divorce mediation will likely proceed through 5 stages. Each stage is designed to move you closer to a successful agreement between you and your spouse, on custody, child support, equitable distribution, spousal support, and counsel/professional fees.
Stage #1: Laying the Foundation
In Stage 1 of mediation, your mediator will discuss what mediation is, what makes it successful, how participants are expected to behave, and the approach that will be taken to reach a fruitful resolution. Properly laying the foundation is all about setting proper expectations.
Your mediator will discuss the importance of a constructive and clear line of communication and identify the roles that each participant (including the mediator) will play in the process.
Stage #2: Discovery
In the discovery stage, your mediator will work to understand the relevant facts and financials of your case. Think of this stage as you and your spouse playing catch-up with the mediator on key aspects of your life. Your mediator will ask detailed questions about your financials, children, assets, taxes, insurance, etc. You may not know the answer to some of these questions, and that’s ok. For example, your mediator may want very specific information such as your life insurance policy number. You will most likely leave these discovery sessions with homework or a to-do list.
The discovery stage is critical to the mediation process because these are the many variables that will be “in play” as you negotiate a resolution. To this end, you must share everything with your mediator. Leave no stone unturned.
Most importantly, the discovery stage is not about “litigating” your or your spouse’s wants. That is for later in the mediation process. The discovery stage is simply about verifiable facts.
Stage #3: Framing
The framing stage lays the groundwork for the negotiations that come in Stage 4. Framing allows you and your spouse to identify and express your vision for what a successful divorce looks like. For example, what is your vision for the custody of your children? How should your debt be divided? In expressing your vision and goals, your mediator will identify areas of friction that will need to be addressed through negotiation. Conversely, you will also find where your and your spouse’s interests overlap.
In this process, the focus is only on the expression of your goals and vision. Not those of your spouse. This is a safe space for you to express yourself. It is preferred to hold framing sessions jointly so that both spouses are on the same page and have proper expectations for negotiations. However, spouses may not always feel comfortable sharing their goals openly with each other. So, as a result, framing sessions can be held separately.
Remember, the art of mediation is “compromise” so as you frame your interests, understand that you will not get everything you want. Make sure you have a clear priority of what interests matter most to you and which ones you can compromise on.
Stage #4: Negotiation
It’s important to approach negotiation with the mindset that you and your spouse are going to work together to solve a problem. You are not two opposing parties working against each other. Otherwise, you’d be litigating your case in divorce court. To that end, understand that you will have to compromise. Everyone will not get everything they want.
Mediation fails at this stage if spouses do not approach it with the correct mentality. If the mentality changes to that of opposition, it’s the role of the mediator to quickly change the tone of the conversation. Expert mediators do this swiftly and with great tact.
At the end of the negotiation, you and your spouse will have reached a verbal agreement on the core interests that were discussed.
Stage #5: Settlement Agreement
Now, it’s time to put it in a binding agreement. This formalization of your mediation takes the form of a settlement agreement. If a mediation has been conducted successfully, most spouses sign the settlement agreement without undue delay.
Be sure to take your time to review your settlement agreement with your trusted advisers and your attorney. Once you’re ready, you can sign, knowing you’ve successfully mediated your divorce and saved your family time, money, and the emotional toll of litigation.
If you or someone you know is considering divorce or going through a divorce, we can help. Reach out to our offices today to schedule a consultation.
Let Me Be Your Brave!
Mia Poppe, Esq.
Managing Partner
by Mia Poppe | Jan 28, 2023 | Custody & Parental Access, Family Law |
Is your child’s other parent using negative manipulation to turn your child’s relationship with you against you? This type of behavior common during the pendency of a divorce action or in post-divorce situations is what is known as parental alienation. One of the most difficult theories to prove in a child custody proceeding, this two-part series shares the tactical and legal steps you can take if you are the target of parental alienation.
What is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation is an event in which one parent actively weakens the relationship between the other parent and their child or children. At one end of the spectrum, is the parent who is the custodial or the primary parental figure in the child’s life. On the other end, is the parent who is not the primary figure, but is rather the seemingly powerful figure, who possibly holds all the money but definitely has the ability to invoke fear in the child.
One of the problems with parental alienation is you can only say it happened when the outcome is already there, such as your child rejecting your phone calls or refusing to visit. Typical manipulation of the alienating parent includes:
- Bad-mouthing the other parent to the child.
- Bad-mouthing the other parent to the community or other third parties.
- Constantly telling the child how the divorce is hurting them, causing the child to feel judgmental or parental toward the alienated parent.
These purposeful and calculated attempts to estrange the child from the other parent are a form of emotional abuse of the child and may constitute parental alienation.
But know this, parental alienation is very hard to prove. It requires significant documentation, third-party evaluations, and showing the course of action that created the alienation. It is not in the best interest of any child to uproot them from the home they are settled in, so what can you do?
How to Counteract Parental Alienation
If you believe you are the subject of parental alienation, there are tactical steps you can take to mitigate the alienation. It is worth repeating that parental alienation is difficult to prove in our overburdened family and divorce courts. Prior to considering legal action, you must take every effort to counteract the alienation outside the courtroom.
Detachment: as counterintuitive as it sounds, parental alienation is mitigated when you detach from the emotional attack that’s being launched against you and your child. Some therapists call the withholding “narcissistic supply”. Narcissistic supply generally refers to the energy that certain manipulative people need to continue on with their course of the manipulation. They must achieve a payoff to succeed at their manipulation.
Validate and accept your child’s feelings: validate that the fear and confusion they feel are both real. After you validate their feelings, disarm their fear by reassuring your child absolutely everything will be okay. Give your child words of encouragement and voice your acceptance of your child’s feelings. Ignoring their feelings will only push them closer to the alienating parent.
Team up: work with a therapist and surround yourself with friends and family who strongly support you. And if a divorce is necessary, find a divorce attorney who is qualified to handle child custody and parental alienation.
Other Steps to Mitigate Parental Alienation
If, and only if, you have exhausted every effort, taken every avenue, and tried every tactic to mitigate parental alienation without success, it may be time to consider legal assistance. You must understand that the court will require concrete evidence of parental alienation before making any order.
In part two of the parental alienation series, we discuss the various legal steps that may be taken by the court depending on the situation. Ultimately, the court will always consider the best interests of the child as the main priority before making any decision.
Let Me Be Your BraveIf you or someone you know is going through parental alienation, I encourage you to act now. As an experienced attorney in divorce litigation and child custody, contact The Law Firm of Poppe & Associates to schedule an appointment today.
Let Me Be Your Brave!
Mia Poppe, Esq.
Managing Partner
Law Firm of Poppe & Associates, PLLC.
